Former Xposé presenter Michelle Doherty: ‘My struggle to have another baby plunged me into despair’

The former model and DJ said the decision was “one of the most terrifying things” she has ever done but also “one of the most rewarding”. Speaking to the Sunday Independent, the Donegal native, who now lives near Bondi Beach in Australia with her husband Mark and son Max, described the “life-changing” moment in a psychotherapist’s office when she accepted she needed professional help.

“I kept saying to him I am tired, I will go on a yoga retreat. And he was looking at me saying ‘a yoga retreat? Are you serious? I think you need a little more than a weekend yoga retreat to try and unpack all of this trauma you been through’,” she said.

Her experience started in 2016 when she and Mark began trying to get pregnant with a sibling for their son, Max. Over six years they endured four miscarriages and three failed IVF cycles.

They then sought an egg donor which renewed their hopes by producing three healthy embryos. But when all three attempts failed by 2022, Michelle was plunged into despair.

“I couldn’t cope any more. My mental health had just gone to rock bottom. I was doing this pretend ‘fronting’ when I met people, but more often than not I was isolating myself away from everybody. I was drinking a lot to sort of numb the pain. I didn’t want to confront what was going on,” she said.

“If anybody wanted to meet up, I would make excuses that I was busy. If family were calling, I wouldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t want to pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I distanced myself from everybody. I had a lot of anger and resentment as well and that was kind of building up inside of me. I think a part of it was me being angry at my body for letting me down. I felt it had failed me and I was almost punishing it.”

Mark watched helplessly as Michelle spiralled downwards. “It was awful for him to watch. I thought nobody understands my pain and I am the only one who can deal with this.”

It also impacted Max, she said. “He would get upset if he saw me crying. He would get upset because he doesn’t like to see me upset. It wasn’t fair on him. I just couldn’t help it at the time.”

To the outside world, Michelle said, it looked like she was holding it all together.

“We have this interpretation of somebody’s life. The perfect life. Little do people know the pain and the hurt and the journey that people are on. I also have a terrible habit of overcompensating when I am around people, so I will put on this big show of happiness like I am in great form. But behind closed doors it was like eughhh,” she grimaced.

She began using alcohol to cope.

“I would be drained in the evening and say, ‘OK I am having a glass of wine’. It was to numb the pain a little bit and then I would drink another one. That was my little coping mechanism. It was alcohol abuse but to be honest that wasn’t the reason I went into that place. It was to do with all the other stuff.”

The situation came to a head when her husband also admitted he was finding it difficult and they needed to take action.

“He said, ‘Michelle you are not dealing with what happened. You need to see someone. We will both have to because I am not expressing how I am feeling either’,” she said.

The couple attended a psychotherapist who listened intently as Michelle explained her harrowing journey. He then said the words that she credits with breaking down the armour she had built.

“He said: ‘Michelle you’ve been treading water for eight years, dragged down every time you resurface. You need to confront your grief and trauma before you reach breaking point.’ It was the first time somebody summarised how I felt in such a powerful way. I kept saying to him, ‘I am so tired, I just need a weekend at a yoga retreat’.”

After recommending Michelle receive inpatient treatment at a hospital, she had to break the news to her son.

“I have a gorgeous friend here in Sydney and I said to her, ‘I can’t leave Max here for three weeks’. I was distraught leaving him at such short notice and she was like, ‘you can and you will’. I was traumatised saying goodbye to Max. I cried for days beforehand but I was very open with him.

“I said: ‘Mummy feels that she needs to go and talk to someone who knows better how to deal with this than I do.’ I was very honest. I think it’s a good lesson to teach a child that it’s okay to admit when you need to get help,” she said.

The hospital deals with an array of mental health issues including addiction, trauma, loss and extreme anxiety. Michelle met others who were also putting on a front in the outside world.

“I met people that you would never imagine could be suffering from anxiety. I realised how many people deflect from their painful emotions with humour. They try to make themselves out to be the funny person and the life and soul of the party, but often they are the ones that are hurting the most,” she said.

Practising daily mindfulness, routine exercise in the fresh air, journaling feelings and writing a letter to her unborn children in order to acknowledge the reality of her loss helped Michelle on the road to recovery.

She is now training to be a professional counsellor to help others.

She says her husband and son “are so proud of what I have been through” but she knows that the healing process doesn’t always lead to closure or a “happy ever after” after experiencing trauma.

“It’s a constant work in progress. It’s not like, ‘I’m grand, I am fixed now’. I will never be able to accept what happened, I will never be okay with it. I am just learning to live with it better.”