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First published OCT 8, 2023
Updated 2 minutes ago
Victor Billot
Victor Billot is a Dunedin writer. He is the author of the poetry collection The Sets (Otago University Press, 2020), and writes a weekly satirical Ode each Sunday for Newsroom.
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ReadingRoom
Bard Billot on the beleaguered Labour leader
Feeling better
“I’m feeling better,” says King Chipkins.
“It’ll take more than a dose of Plague
To keep me down!”
The King strides over and flings open the windows
Of the ninety-seventh floor of his Ivory Castle
To inhale the fresh spring air.
A small flock of pink non-binary winged unicorns
Flutters past in the dreamy haze.
From far below drifts the sound of plaintive wails
As the invading enemy forces swarm the city walls
And put low ranking list MPs to the sword.
Inside the Great Hall, a caucus of mid ranking list MPs
Hovering near the fire exit offer a quavering cheer.
“It’s time to go to war!” Asserts the Monarch
In confident and ringing tones.
“I will show the peasants I’m in it for them!”
He waves a scrawled strategy parchment about.
“Free tooth extractions for serfs who survive to 30!
A small number of hovels for the peons!
We will attack the insurgents on all fronts!
LO! For I am a King of The People!”
“Maybe a wealth tax?” Bursts out Lady Ingrid of Taieri
As she is overcome with contagious enthusiasm.
The Court goes silent and all eyes swivel onto her.
Lady Ingrid blushes and quails under their glares.
“There’s no need for that type of wild talk,”
The King frowns.
Then comes a loud banging on the palace doors.
They swing wide and a flustered messenger
Rushes into the Great Hall.
“Your Majesty!” He wheezes painfully.
“We are surrounded – Baron Luxon is in the lobby –
The guards have fled.”
He draws breath and speaks grim truth
To the uncomprehending faces of the assembled court.
“The battle was last week.”
Victor Billot has previously felt moved to write Odes for such luminaries as Winston Peters, Christopher Luxon, David Seymour, and Nicola Willis.
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